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Dear Mr Dyer,
Would my daughter be a case that you
would consider? Details follow:
By the time Rebecca was 8yrs old I was desperate. Her tantrums
were violent and extremely aggressive... (lifting pictures off
the wall and throwing them, smashing her belongings... even
keyboards). She was extremely manipulative and would do anything
to win. After waiting over 12 months.... phew!! we saw a Child
psychiatrist. She diagnosed possible Asperger's with Oppositional
Defiancy Disorder. The label wasn't conclusive because I found
the whole experience very intrusive and negative for my daughter
( every appointment she had to sit and listen to me unravelling
all her negative behaviour since birth and they wanted to monitor
her in the house... waste of time because her defiance came in
cycles and she's a clever actress) with nothing to offer at the
end. They thought she wasn't hyper enough to have Ritalin... and
yet could offer little else.
At this stage I was told to compromise at all costs... basically
do anything to stop Rebecca experiencing a huge rage.
Compromising became a joke... Rebecca is very intelligent on one
level and grew wise to it. She pushed the boundaries until the
doors were wide open... she stole out of a friends bag who came
to stay from overseas... and she lit a candle one morning in an
upstairs bedroom which resulted in a major house fire... (first
floor and roof).
Rebecca is now 12yrs old and for the last 4 yrs we have been
going it alone. I gave up teaching... my part time profession at
the time and set out to discover solutions for myself. I attended
Univ courses, conferences and workshops... finally resulting in
me writing a book on Autism Spectrum children (not published
yet). Basically, I have a very deep understanding of the
physical, mental, emotional and spiritual mechanics of this
syndrome. As a result I have managed to maintain some boundaries
and a degree of respect. However, Rebecca has now just turned
12yrs old and the hormones are kicking in... a very tricky time,
especially for children hovering along the Autism spectrum.
Her behaviour... avoidance, manipulation and boundary breaking
has stepped up to an almighty and frightening high over the last
2 months (she started menstruating around this time too). 2 days
ago I had to call the police to control her.... can you believe
that! And I've come to the conclusion that I can not put up with
this anymore.... spitting in my face... abusive language...
punching me, kicking me and pulling my hair. However, this
behaviour is only when she flips... and that's normally when
she's not getting her own way. I'm now in the situation where I
don't care anymore, I'm physically and mentally drained with it
all...having to tip toe around my own house! I don't want to
experience the level of abuse that is currently happening. It was
difficult enough when she was 8yrs old... but now she's a bigger
and much more abusive girl.
Even though Rebecca was diagnosed with Asperger's, she does
maintain eye contact... and is not your typical case. In fact,
many teachers are surprised she was given that label at all. She
does have difficulty showing love and affection.... definitely
towards me and she has always had skin sensitivity... no rashes,
but would only wear certain clothes. She has always had a problem
with concentration and fidgeting. She was assessed by an
Educational Psychologist at 8yrs old who said she was
chronologically 2 yrs behind but not bad enough to be
statemented. She is now in the first year of high school... the
lowest class along with 10 boys and 1 other girl... this I also
believe is a problem. She studies in her 2nd language Welsh...
which may have added more stress to her.
My current situation is that I am a single parent... that's why
I'm afraid I can't contain her aggressive bouts anymore. You are
my last port of call before I pack her off to social services or
a special school in America.
Furthermore, I'm deeply concerned about her future... if urgent
intervention is not brought in now I dread to think what her
future holds in store.
I understand the root of her controlling pattern is a deep sense
of personal inadequacy, insecurity and a fear of failing. She
needs boundaries now before it's too late. However, every time I
try to place them she blows. She has already developed quite a
repertoire of avoidance behaviours to wiggle herself away from
demands she can't or doesn't want to cope with.
Background on fathering.... her biological father fled at 2
months pregnant. Her non biological father ( who Rebecca's always
known and loves very much) was there for her birth and departed
when 7yrs old. From then until last August he has visited her
every 2 weeks... spoiling her with presents from abroad, movies,
McDonalds and sweets! Rarely, keeping any boundaries because he
felt guilty about leaving. However, when his new girlfriend came
on the scene Rebecca performed big time... he brought her back...
and broke down in tears himself. She had continuously screamed
from Worthing to Wales (11yrs old!). When he married the young
22yr old last August... he declined to have anything more to do
with Rebecca. I didn't tell her but said he had no money to
visit. Since December, he's started to send postcards and ring...
5 times. But he has not seen her. I found Rebecca's biological
father last year and introduced them... she's sees him about once
every 2 months... and he doesn't contribute to her up keep. Just
the odd £10 here and there.
Rebecca is an only child. However, she has a half sister and
brother from the same father. The sister is now 23yrs old and has
been on medication for self harming for several years. The
brother is a heroine addict... It's a sad, sad story... I think
they're both undiagnosed Autistic Spectrum cases myself. She has
met the brother once and has started to build a relationship with
the sister who is very loving and kind to her... another spoiler
I'm afraid. The dodgy genes have definitely come down through the
father.... even he landed himself in prison in the past because
of his uncontrollable rage. An amazing musician but a frustrated
severe dyslexic.
Does Rebecca sound like someone you could help? I love my
daughter very much and want to do the best I can.
Thank you for your time. I apologize for the length of the e-mail
but thought you may need to see the whole picture to come to a
decision.
Regards
Janet Davis
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Dear Mrs.
Davis,
Since you have had the help of a Child Psychiatrist in the
past I would not be able to work with you on behaviour management
without their agreement that my help was appropriate.
I can understand any child behaviour professional advising you to
avoid confrontation.
Whether a child has serious "interactional problems" (bad
behaviour) or more serious mental or emotional problems or
disorders avoiding confrontation is just plain good sense.
However, it is very interesting to hear what you say here.
For professionals, giving rules for changing behaviour is not
difficult. It is more difficult to specify the circumstances in
which common sense rules do not apply.
Some children, when they make a demand, are more concerned with
succeeding in "the process of demanding" than they are with what is being
demanded.
Since giving-in to the demand often appears to satisfy these
children parents cannot be blamed for missing the real
motive.
But a "compromise at all costs" strategy for such children,
that avoids the process of breaking down your resolve, could, in
some instances, involve the child in a continuous escalation of
demand. If this were part of your daughters motive it could go
some way to explain the behaviour you describe.
Although you have dropped the Child's Psychiatrist's suggestion
that you should "compromise at all costs" it is clear that
you are still for your own reasons compromising - and therefore
rewarding - her behaviour when it is most extreme
She needs boundaries now before it's too late. However, every
time I try to place them she blows
Your boundaries are changed because of her extreme behaviour.
By doing this you mitigate the current behaviour at a terrible
cost of a much higher frequency of this type of behaviour and you
undermine your own future boundary attempts.
She has already developed quite a repertoire of avoidance
behaviours to wiggle herself away from demands she can't or
doesn't want to cope with.
She has not developed this repertoire in a vacuum.
She has had a mother who through the years has not been able to
recognise and/or counter them. I do not say this to make you
feel bad
(what I ask of parents is often beyond the bounds of good
parenting)
but merely to stress that if you work with me this is what you
will have to change.
Although your daughter's behaviour is extreme (I will need to
speak to you further about it) there does not seem to be any
reason why this behaviour itself could not be changed if we were
to work together.
My only concern's are not about the behaviour but your own
conclusions about its origins. Whether you are right or not
about your daughter (and her half sister and brother) having
Autistic Spectrum is not material to me. I am perfectly willing
to accept that you might be right.
What is essential, if you work with me, is that you no longer
give any relevance to
Autistic Spectrum
dodgy genes
her father's withdrawal
her being one of two girls in a boy's class -
as factors that cloud the central necessity if changes to your
responses.
These things may have some significance to your daughter
but, in working with me, you will have to see yourself as having had the central role
in, the development of, and (now) the change in, your daughter's
behaviour.
Warwick Dyer
Behaviour Change Consultancy
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